What is drama but life with the dull bits cut out.”
― Alfred Hitchcock
I have made it a point to blog at least once a month this year, but I've found it hard to put down my thoughts for many topics, which, eventually I want to write about, but have not had the emotional will to do so. Instead I just want to write about more personal things in a long form way compared to my Twitter account. I've had a lot of thoughts swirling in my head and I feel like a long word vomit is what I need. I've tagged this personal so it'll be easier to search technical articles if that's what you want.
For all intents and purposes my life should be "amazing". I make a salary most American's let alone the global south do not have, I have a great set of coworkers and job, I maintain a number of healthy friendships, I'll be speaking at a conference soon and I'm debt free. Yet. I'm bored. I'm unsatisfied. By all definitions of the world I am a success, yet it brings me no joy. My life has been Fear Driven Improvement. Go to college to get a degree to get paid more. Get paid more so you can be comfortable. And now it's for lack of a better phrasing, "Be comfortable until you kick it and maybe be happy about a few things maybe?" I'm bored. Nothing makes me hunger endlessly with unbridled passion. Nothing sparks an ever consuming fire in me that I lose track of time.
I have one friend who just loves Biology, that's her job, and just seeing her light up and talk about these kinds of things with an enthusiasm so bright it could burn your eyes out makes me incredibly envious. I like computers. I'm. Okay at them comparatively to others, but it just does not eat me up like it does for some, where two minutes away from it is almost physically painful, or who could talk at length of intricate details of the hardware or software before them in a way that shows they love what they do. For me it's something I can fake it like I do or care that much about it, but at the end of the day I want to do my 9 - 5 and punch out. I do OSS out of guilt and a driving need to feel like I belong somewhere, not because I particularly enjoy it. It and my, for lack of better wording, "computer persona" are there as part of the me who has a job, but there's no passion so hot it could melt metal. There's nothing for me like that that makes me care about life.
Now before you go, "Michael this sounds like you want to commit suicide", I don't. I just kind of wish I could stop and come back to this if I feel like it. It feels like Skyrim to me, I got bored of it long ago cause I played it to much, adding mods doesn't make it more fun, and for some reason it keeps getting rereleased every year and my dumb self keeps buying it. Like, what's next? What's the actual point? Pay taxes and die and hope you make the world a better place so the next unfortunate soul who happens to be born doesn't have their life suck as much?
I get why people believe in God or what have you cause the alternative is realizing you're the only one who can make meaning out of life. It's comforting going about the daily toil and boredom in the belief that after it all ends paradise awaits, but honestly screw that. Eternal life after this? Nah that's too long. I used to think as a kid I'd want to live forever so I could experience everything and honestly. I'm good. I've gone though the harshest desert and there's just more sand.
I wish I could care about something or someone and for 25+ years I've been looking and all I've found is disappointment and self loathing. I don't know why people see me as ambitious, I don't know why people think of me as cheerful and passionate, I don't know why people think I'm good at what I do, and I don't know why people look up to me. I really do not understand what people see. There's not much here, there's nothing I can actually care about, and frankly I don't have anything that's gonna change that. I've not found it and I hardly doubt I ever will find that spark that so many seem to have.